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It is customary to have a few exhibition sports at the Olympics and I would just like to introduce 10 of those that will be making an apprearance in Beijing in August 2008. Some of the events are related to Chinese culture whilst others are more international. 1. The Long Spit – Competitors must spit as far as they can. (In China, people regularly spit because they think it rids the body of impurities.) 2. The High Spit – People spit at a wall – the highest flob wins. 3. The Occluded Nose Blow (or Snot Rocket) - Competitors close one nostril with a finger and blow snot from the other. Furthest wins. (This is a common custom in China.) 4. The Live Shoot – Convicted prisoners are used as live targets for the various shooting events. Shots that hit vital organs are penalised if these organs can be sold, so head shots are preferred. (In China, the government uses the organs of executed prisoners in transplants, regardless of the wishes of the deceased or his/her family.) 5. The Ticket Scrum – Competitors must run 50 metres and then scramble to buy tickets at a ticket booth. Penguins are placed in the way as obstacles. Physical violence is encouraged. (In China, the concept of a queue (Br Eng) or line (US Eng) is virtually unknown. The government recently had people dressed as penguins standing in line to try to get the concept through to Chinese people, without success.) 6. The 'Wei' [pronounced like 'way']. The competitors are given mobile phones which ring simultaneously. They must then answer the phone and hold a conversation in the loudest possible voice. (Chinese people say 'wei' when they answer the phone – usually extremely loudly, as if the phone wasn't actually transmitting their voice.) 7. The Rant – This time, the topic is "Why my country is the best". Competitors must talk about the topic for as long as possible without pausing for more than a breath at a time. The Chinese have a good team, but may be hindered by the rule that says "No repetition". Iran and North Korea also have strong teams, but preferred the topic "Why I hate America". Some Muslim countries wanted the topic changed to "Why my religion is the best" but this was reconsidered as China is an officially atheist country. 8. The Oil Race – Competitors must sail towards, and collect, oil drums and transport them back to dry land. Competitors may try to steal the drums from the yachts in possession of them. The two main contenders are China and the USA, with Britain looking for bronze. 9. Diving – Competitors choose the stocks that they think will fall the most in value over the period that the Olympics is held. 10. The Rip Off – Competitors must try to sell worthless, useless and/or fake items to tourists for high prices. Teams from developing countries, particularly those with "ethnic" products, are looking forward to this event. The Chinese are hoping to win with their product, the centuries old Ming Dynasty vase made in Shanghai last Tuesday. The British entry is the kilt of the Wang clan who ruled the Highlands for many a year. It was planned to have an event called "Catch the Torch-Bearer", but China has announced that this event is "unsuitable". Tibetan exiles are planning on holding their own contest, but this will not be under the auspices of the Olympics.
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